Occasionally, married friends will come to my husband and/or me venting about their marital problems. We have been through a few rough patches during our 12 years of marriage, and during those times, we sought help from family, friends and counselors. Today, I can honestly say we are happier than ever and willing to stick through the ups and downs.
We try to pass along the things that helped us, but a lot of times we’ll see one spouse wanting to work on improving the marriage and the other one oblivious or unwilling to do anything about it. I think our experience could help the spouses of our troubled friends see that things can work out by doing something about it, but I never know if or how to approach the subject with them. Should we keep our mouths shut and just be there for the unhappy friend, or is there a proper way to reach out to their spouse with an offer of support in situations like this?
– Truly Wanting to Help
Dear Truly Wanting,
My advice would be to stay out of the line of fire. If you reach out to the unhappy spouse, who may be unaware that his or her marital problems were revealed to you, it will be regarded as intrusive. By all means, tell the person asking your advice what worked for you, but leave it up to that person to convey it to his or her spouse.
What is the etiquette when eating at a restaurant where a piano player is performing? I don’t mean the “bar scene”-type piano player who wants the crowd to sing along, but more of a mid- to upscale type of place.
There’s a restaurant like this in my town – the only one with a piano. On one special occasion when we were there, the piano player was playing “Misty” and a woman sitting nearby with her party wanted to make herself heard over him. She began talking very loudly to her group while he was playing the song. I thought it was tacky, and if I had been sitting near her, I would have shushed her up.
Isn’t it polite to wait until the piano player is finished before talking loudly at your table? Whatever happened to behaving with a little class in restaurants?
– Deanna in Oklahoma
The musician in that restaurant was there to provide mood music for the diners. If they chose to talk while he was playing, it was their privilege. The woman may have raised her voice because someone in her party had a hearing problem. For you to have taken it upon yourself to “shush her up” would have been rude, and for your sake, I’m glad you refrained from doing it.
Am I overreacting to my husband’s request that I take down photos of my mom and grandparents when his mom visits? They are displayed in our guest bedroom. I think his request was rude. I wonder if his mother even cares or if he just feels guilty. It’s my house, too.
– Reluctant in Texas
Rather than remove your family photos, why not compromise by adding a couple of pictures of your husband’s mother, too? I’m sure she would be pleased to see them. Problem solved.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.